Last Year’s Tarot Spread

Last year, during my tarot phase (which ended when I got diagnosed with keratoconus because, despite not really believing in a higher power, my grandmother’s voice lives in my head), I did Life Spread and Anchor for myself. It was roughly around this time and, though I don’t actually believe tarot can predict the future, it came up in my memories (I took  a picture, for science) and got me curious about the “results”.

To that end, the spread was as follows:

Anchor:

  1. Base: The Tower (fun times, quite appropriate, really)
  2. Love: The Star
  3. Work: The Hermit
  4. Central Theme: Strength
  5. Immediate Future: Death (just what everyone wants in their future)
  6. Wishes: The Devil (lmao this just keeps getting better)
  7. Future: The Lovers

Life Spread:

  • Personal Cards
    • Key: 10 of Pentacles
    • The Fool, Queen of Wands, The Moon
  • Home Cards
    • Key: The Magician
    • Strength, 5 of Wands, Page of Cups
  • Work Cards
    • Key: 7 of Pentacles
    • 7 of Cups, The Empress, 8 of Cups
  • Love Cards
    • Key: 4 of Pentacles
    • Death, The Sun, 7 of Wands
  • Future Cards
    • Key: The Hanging Man
    • King of Cups, 6 of Wands, Ace of Wands
  • Key: 10 of Cups

So, I remember very little of what I “learnt” about tarot, but what immediately stands out to me here is that there are a lot of wands and cups–five of each–but no swords and the pentacles are all key cards. There are also two cards that would typically be interpreted as people–Queen of Wands and King of Cups–and the numbers are mostly on the mid to high end. Also, wow, that is a lot of Major Arcana. At least one in every single area, two (Magician and Hanging Man) as Key cards which kind of….set the tone for the other three cards. Based on this spread, the past year should have been full of major life events (which…yeah, it kinda was, and I have not been a fan).

Starting from the Base card in the Anchor, that’s The Tower, which represents a kind of seismic change. Everything you thought you knew gets obliterated and you have to start over. This was not a fun card to draw during a highly stressful time in my life lol.

Moving on over to the personal cards (which is what Josephine Ellershaw recommends in Easy Tarot Reading), we’ve got 10 of Pentacles, which suggests the cards below it be read in the tone of a successful, wealthy lineage. Legacy, if a single word can be used to sum up a tarot card. Cards are always read left to right, in a forward-moving progression. So that Fool card represents some sort of leap of faith leading to the Queen of Wands–a character who nurtures passion, desire, zeal, the Mother of Dragons in a metaphorical sense rather than a GRRM one. That character then leads into The Moon, a card of uncertainty and intuition. I tend to be inclined to read it as a card of mystery (though, really, that better belongs to The High Priestess) because it is a card I never did manage to get a handle on. Too esoteric.

I drew this spread with the intent of exploring the year that would come, therefore everything should have come to pass by now. With that in mind, I could interpret The Fool being the leap of faith I had to take in order to explore tarot at all, or the many attempts I’ve made over the past year to take each day as it comes and try to find my footing in situation that seems to be constantly shifting (usually for the worse). Alternately, it could be further into the future, depicting the last few weeks specifically, and refer to the leap of faith necessary to try ADHD medication again, resulting in the emergence of my inner Queen of Wands and learning to converse with my own intuition and inner self (something that I have actually been doing since starting Adderall). The 10 of Pentacles key card would then suggest this is all part of continuing the legacy. I think

Honestly, it all sounds too simple like that. We’re at the point of back-attribution though (as tarot always is), and I got rid of all my books, so I’m going to go with it. Cards predicted Adderall. Yup. Totally how that works.

It would make sense here to look at the Wishes and Central Theme cards, just because they don’t especially match up well with any other sections. The Devil in the Wishes position of the anchor is interesting. It tends to suggest vice, a sense of helplessness, possibly addiction. Not the sorts of things one tends to wish for. I suppose it could be interpreted as wanting an excuse to give into my worst indulgences, a desire to pretend I lack control over my own poor habits. Not a very flattering picture.

The Central Theme is Strength, a card about inner fortitude and courage. Unfortunately fitting for a year in which everything just seemed to keep coming.

Moving on to the Home section, The Magician suggests an overall tone of mastery and control, which does not really fit with the past year (two cancer diagnoses, a degenerative eye condition, partner with unknown health conditions that seem to be constantly deteriorating, etc), but let’s see what else is here.

Strength, yes, as mentioned, does suggest, well, inner strength. Courage, fortitude, kill ’em with kindness and whatnot. Leading into 5 of Wands, which I don’t totally remember, but I seem to recall would typically be read as a sort of “conflict and competition” card. Then Page of Cups which I seem to recall Ellershaw interpreting as incoming messages (which always trips me up because I feel like the imagery of Knights works better there, but here we are). Cups would mean an emotional or creative message. So inner strength leading to conflict leading to news that will be felt on an emotional level. Given the preceding card, probably not good news.

The mirroring of Strength here and in the Anchor suggests the need for strength was due to something in the home. Which, yes, I basically never leave the house so that would make sense. Ellershaw’s site says that Strength leading into 5 of Wands can suggest inner strength while heading into a time of petty conflict and need for diplomacy and resilience. Then Page of Cups would be a message felt on an emotional level arising from this period. The Magician key card would say I have the ability to master everything thrown at me, and the fact that the 5 of Wands is a minor arcana would mean a lot of lower-level problems rather than a major shakeup (in contrast to that asshole Tower hanging out there in the base).

Honestly, I feel this would make more sense in the “work” section because it would all fit very well with a Problem we had (and are still having) this time last year. I suppose it’s not my work though, so if I were inclined to make excuses that’d be the one I’d go with. Alternately, it could just be that the past year has been a lot of one thing after another, though I’d struggle to place the Page of Cups in that instance. If it were in personal, I’d say the keratoconus diagnosis which, while frightening at the time, can be treated and is somewhat within my control to the extent that I can wear contacts and stop rubbing my eyes. Don’t think I could say that about the cancer diagnosis though. Overall, kind of a bust on this section.

Moving over to the Work section, there’s a 7 of Pentacles Key card and The Hermit in the Anchor. 7 of Pentacles is typically a card of reaping what you sow, while the Hermit is about retreating to seek inner wisdom. 7 of Cups (two 7s in one section, cycle change?), The Empress (another earthy card), 8 of Cups, it’s all water and earth, emotion and pragmatism, creativity and practicality. 7 of Cups suggests an important decision–everything looks good, but you can only pick one–leading into the Empress, the ultimate mother, nurturing and growth. 8 of Cups follows, though, suggesting that whatever has been nurtured isn’t actually as fulfilling as expected. Essentially, something about work throughout the year would have involved walking away from a well-nurtured, but ultimately unfulfilling, something or other. Idea, goal, project, something.

I got nothing. In fairness, though, I don’t work XD I may have done the spread with the intention of this section relating to something else, but fuck if I know what it was at this point.

Heading on over to Love (why not), there’s 4 of Pentacles in the key card section, The Star in the anchor, then Death > The Sun > 7 of Wands for the bottom three. With two Major Arcana here–including Death, which also shows up in the Immediate Future position in the Anchor–you’d expect there to have been some fairly large moments over the past year re: my love life. Alas, I am dull and still with the same person I’ve been with for ages. Not even a hint of drama in my love life.

For funsies, though, 4 of Pentacles tends to be read as a bit…miserly. I think that’s unfair, anyone who’s ever been poor understands how hard it can be to spend when you’re used to scrimping, but it’s the typical interpretation. It can also refer to a strong desire for stability, potentially clinging a bit too tightly. It’s a financial card, so you could say it makes sense that it showed up in the Love section of my spread as my partner is the sole income earner and I do like being able to eat. The Star in the Anchor is a card of hope and healing which is rather nice. Somewhat true as well, the health issues K was dealing with this time last year are rather better. He has different ones now XD

Death, card of endings. Fun times. Followed by the Sun, which is generally a happy card, so potentially a positive transformation. But followed by 7 of Wands, a card of defensiveness. It’s not inherently a bad reading, it could, in the light of the Star, be interpreted as holding tight during a difficult time of transition that will end well if I remember to be assertive and hold my ground when needed. Which…ok, I could potentially see how that could be interpreted as having come true over the course of the past year.

Off to the future cards. In the Anchor we’ve got Death in the immediate future and The Lovers in the future-future (lol). Life Spread has The Hanging Man as the key card (oh fun), with King of Cups (who?) > 6 of Wands > Ace of Wands. King of Cups represents someone who’s mastered emotional stability, the affable uncle who does his best to avoid conflict but will listen to your relationship woes no matter what he’s doing or what time it is. I’ve got zero idea who this could be because it’s sure as hell not me XD Is Cancer a water sign? Could be K if so, I guess, but, uh, emotional resilience is not his forte 😅

Anyway, Death > endings, transformation. The Lovers > sometimes used to represent choices or meeting a soulmate (metaphorically, could well be the perfect job), Ellershaw tends to use it to refer specifically to romantic relationships. If already in a romantic relationship, then decisions that have to be made as a couple. Which, I mean, is basically all of the important ones unless you’d like to be divorced. The Hanging Man is another annoying one I wasn’t a fan of because it suggests willing sacrifice. Dude’s hanging upside down, giving himself a headache, of his own volition. He’s seeking a different perspective. Either way, as a key card it likely indicates that the overall section reading should be with the tone of a perspective shift.

That brings us back around to that mystery King of Cups leading into the 6 of Wands. 6 of Wands is generally a good card, a card of public celebration and achievement, sometimes of a message or messenger. No idea, but let’s go over to Ace of Wands to see if it makes sense. That’s a new beginning card, in this suit a beginning related to work, energy, or ideas.

Oh. So, if I really really wanted to, I could say that this “future” is quite far in the future. As in basically the whole fucking year forward. Thus, The Hanging Man would be my choosing to seek medication for my ADHD, which, yes, does inherently involve a perspective shift because I’m literally changing my brain chemistry. King of Cups would then be my prescribing psychiatrist (mastery of emotions) and the results of the Adderall certainly have involved a fair bit of celebration and feeling of achievement. Yes, in public, or at least as public as my very quiet life is likely to get. We then get to Ace of Wands for that new spark and all the possibilities open to me now.

Hm. Kind of obnoxiously fitting but also too easy. Not one of those cards referred to anything in the eleven months between reading and a year later? Sus.

Anyway, I’ve just now realised I’ve forgotten to include the Life Spread Key Card: 10 of Cups. 10 of Pentacles is the card for a financially secure family, 10 of Cups is for emotional wealth. It suggests that, overall, I should have been fairly well fulfilled in my relationships and emotions over the past year. Which…eh. I feel like 10/10 might be overstating it a bit, but I’m not exactly browsing Grindr either.

So. Personal? Maybe. Home? Not really? If you squint, I guess. Work? No fucking clue. Love? Meh. Perhaps. Future? I suppose. Overall…eh. It was a fun little exercise, I may try another just for the hell of it (perhaps not during High Holidays lmao), but I wouldn’t make any major decisions based on it. A lot of retrofitting, I don’t see how anyone could really take it seriously.

ADHD Strikes Again

Task for the day to is to finally sort through my Amazon returns. Reasonable choice, they’ve been piling up to a ridiculous extent.

Yeah, a good number of the most expensive ones are from like six months ago and can no longer be returned because I forgot to print off the QR codes before they expired. So I’m annoyed with myself because that’s easily $500 in ADHD tax. Trying to remind myself that we’re not hurting for money and that these things happen, but it’s not the easiest.

On the upside, Adderall seems to be working. Day…5? (took Sunday off, threw off my count) now and I’m still feeling good. Still lowering the activation energy between what I want to do and what I can actually do. So I’m taking it. Hopefully there’ll be fewer ADHD taxes in my future.

Adderall 10 mg Day 1

This…is a very odd feeling. I’m not sure if it’s placebo, the fluke of a good day coinciding with my first day on the medication, early-med euphoria, or just…the meds doing what they’re meant to do.

I woke up (slept past my alarm but that’s not the end of the world), did my eye mask, got out of bed, weighed-in (down 3.5 lbs from last week, that’s nice), put the kettle on, took my meds with a Boost High Protein, made tea, did my morning pages, affirmations, and task dump while drinking tea, then thought “I should shower” and…got in the shower.

Like. Just. Got undressed and turned on the water. Hopped right in.

This is not normal for me. It usually takes me all day to get myself in the shower because I’m convinced it’s boring and will take forever. I just…got in, though. And yeah, it was a long-ish shower, but I remembered the list I wrote in grease pencil on the shower wall and just…followed the steps. Easily. Some distraction in between, but what I think is probably a normal level? Like, a couple of minutes, not until the water gets cold.

I put gel in my hair after. Remembered deodorant and antiperspirant work best right out of the shower and put it on. Then cologne. Sat in front of the fan in my bathrobe to let my hair air-dry while eating some lemon skyr and reading Scientific American and…was ready to get up when the skyr was done. Mid-article. To get dressed and do chores. Boring ones. Laundry, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher.

K came up then so I talked to him for a bit, but I still remembered I was going to do chores. When he went down to take his medication, I…got dressed (pants size down!) and did the chores. Like 45 minutes to an hour of them. Loaded the dishwasher, took out two rounds of recycling and a load of trash (would’ve done more, but it’s hot and my feet were starting to protest), hung up laundry, gathered and loaded more laundry, swept the bunny play area and gave them a new box of hay to chew up. Not a lot, but things that normally would’ve required intense effort and possibly wiped me out for the day, depending on how good or bad of a day it was.

I also…there’s this thing with ADHD where you see something that needs to be done but don’t automatically do it the way other people do. There has been toilet roll packaging on the floor of the downstairs bathroom for actual months, it drives me nuts every time I pass it, but for some reason I do not understand I never seem to pick it up and throw it in the trash even though I know I should.

Today, I picked up the packaging and threw it in the trash. And picked up a book off the floor and put it…ok, not where it goes because it doesn’t have a set home, but I put it somewhere that was not the floor.

I did the same with some old Amazon packaging that was on the floor in front of the kitchen. And paper towel packaging. I just saw it…and dealt with it.

And look, these are things I have always known I should do. Not doing them has always made me feel kind of like shit because they’re things everyone is supposed to be able to do. A five year old should be able to be taught to pick things up and put them in the trash, but I have never been able to and I know what that means people assume about me.

Today, though, I did them. And I’m not sure I can attribute that to just having a good day because I’ve had good days before and that’s still never happened.

I don’t feel wiped out, either. I did a fair few boring, tedious, will have to be repeated tomorrow type tasks and I feel…fine. Like I could do more. I may put the lights, bell, and cup-holder on my bike so I can go for a ride after picking up groceries. Or I may read or think through the next chapters of the fic I’ve been stalled on for months. I don’t feel like all I can do is read a vapid romance novel or play games on my phone. I have a bit of a headache, I’m reminding myself that I need to hydrate, but overall I feel pretty good.

really hope this isn’t just medication euphoria. It would be nice to be able to feel like I can do things all the time.

Yup. I’m hella ADHD

Finally sent in my ADHD documentation to start medication. It was a whole thing because I kept forgetting because–oh right–I have ADHD so I ended up having to call and get the portal opened again and it was honestly obnoxious but it eventually got done.

Got a message back within 24 hours. Immediately assumed “oh no, I did something wrong”. Decided to look at it before diving into my morning routine because otherwise it was going to bother me all morning.

The message is basically “Yeah, you’re definitely ADHD, we’re just gonna skip the normal secondary evaluation and send you right in” XD

Given that I had a five standard deviation discrepancy between my VCI and WMI scores on the WAIS-IV, plus a TOVA ACS below -10, yeah, a second (third, really) evaluation would probably be a waste of time.

Would’ve been interested in taking the Stanford-Binet, though. It accounts for scatter better than the WAIS, which in my case is obviously necessary.

Today’s Petty Annoyance

Pretty much all studies on what brings happiness point to living in harmony with one’s core values. Being bored and distractible today, I went to basically every “how do you know what your core values are” site on the internet. Mostly because, if pressed to define my core values, I’d shrug and say something like “I dunno, don’t be an asshole and keep trying things?”

While I don’t necessarily disagree with the results, I do find the exercise a bit…frustrating. Because the reality is that any value can be defined in hundreds of different ways, so to say that I value “freedom” (one of my results) isn’t all that different from saying I value “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.

I value autonomy, yes. I generally dislike being told what to do. Most people do, IME. However, I also recognise that sometimes limiting freedom is necessary for a functional society. Just because I want to punch that bigot with the sign in the face doesn’t mean I think I should be allowed to.

There are many, many people who would list “freedom” as their core value while wildly disagreeing with the above condition. Our values are largely in opposition to each other, but the same word is used to describe both mindsets.

The same is true of many (if not all) of the possible values a person could have. Another of mine was “tolerance”. Anyone who has ever studied basic political philosophy is aware of “the paradox of intolerance”. A tolerant society requires being intolerant of the intolerant, something the intolerant insist on pointing out as though they’ve somehow made a groundbreaking discovery.

Yet there are many people who value tolerance up to and including tolerance for the extremely, even violently, bigoted. In some cases I’m even one of them. I don’t believe, for instance, in murdering people for making racist statements, as some of the more extreme members of the far left do. Regardless, we all consider ourselves “tolerant”, but with often opposing definitions of what the word means.

Yes, it is good for emotional and psychological well-being to live in accordance with one’s values. There’s fairly clear scientific evidence of that. However, I don’t think trying to define those values in concrete terms is really all that effective or helpful. At best, you end up with an amorphous pile of words that has to be further refined and qualified into something that’s unlikely to actually cover the majority of circumstances in which they might be tested.

General self-awareness seems more helpful. Taking stock of that internal sense of what feels “right” vs “wrong”. Paying attention to actions that result in pride vs shame. It’s not perfect, those things are always influenced by society, but neither is the “stack of ill-defined words” method.

Or, y’know, maybe I’m just too neurodivergent for this exercise.

Edit: Actually, while we’re at it, there’s a very real social problem with conflating “values” and “morals”. Things like “tolerance” or “integrity” or “respect” shouldn’t even be part of the equation because those are ethics required for a functioning society. An individual does not get to decide they don’t “value” something like basic human dignity. Rather, they can, but it then makes them an asshole. It is contrary to the needs of the community. Yet every single exercise in “defining your values” includes large lists of morals and ethics.

I can appreciate the desire to centre one’s life around beauty, achievement, and wealth. But if that person then, say, enslaves people to prop up their wealth because they decided wealth was more important than compassion, they are a bad person. I don’t care how happy they are. They’re a dick.

Health insurance is such a scam

K needs high flow oxygen via non-rebreather mask for his cluster headaches. This is the gold standard of treatment, it is incredibly low-risk, effective in 70-80% of patients, and accepted as the first-line option by every major medical organisation related to neurology and headache. It is as basic and necessary as insulin for diabetics or inhalers for asthmatics.

Kaiser won’t cover it. Because our insurance does not have a durable medical equipment supplement. Because we cannot get a durable medical equipment supplement. We have the highest tier plan, pay $1400 a month each for this insurance, but the durable medical equipment supplement is only offered on group plans. If you are a freelancer, a sole proprietor, or in any other way not employed by a business with at least 5 employees on the same insurance plan, you cannot pay for durable medical equipment coverage.

It’s worth noting that he had durable medical equipment coverage with his last employer–when he was on a lower tier plan. We are paying more for less coverage. Simply because he is self-employed.

So we are now looking at dropping to a lower tier plan next year in order to offset the costs of having to pay for his medically necessary oxygen and therapy entirely out of pocket. Because we literally have no option to pay for the supplemental benefit that would cover it.

It’s amazing what you’ll pick up when you’re bored and avoiding a necessary task

I have blocked all social media until 7PM. I can’t write much because my right hand is strained (likely from too much tappy-gaming). I’ve separated out my fiction and non-fiction onto separate e-readers and locked away the fiction until after my tasks are done. Yes, I theoretically could read any of my many physical books or magazines, but that requires thought and decision-making and I seem to just not being interested in putting that kind of effort into my procrastination-entertainment.

I tried reading a couple of non-fiction books. They’re not interesting enough to read for more than a chapter at a time. My mind starts wandering, which means my eyes start wandering, and next thing you know I’ve rediscovered the juggling balls that have been sitting untouched on my bookshelves for a couple of years.

I was a moderately skilled juggler 20 or so years ago, when I was first attempting undergrad (spoiler: it was wildly unsuccessful). I haven’t, however, picked up a set of juggling balls since the mid-noughties and so wasn’t expecting much.

My expectations were met XD

That’s not to say I’ve lost all ability. I can manage at least one cycle without completely losing control of the balls. More than that is…questionable lmao.

It was ten minutes of intense fun though, and has reminded me that I really like juggling and circus arts in general. Need to look into some way of doing tightwire or slacklining too, maybe some plate spinning or diabolo. I was never especially good at any of them (and really bad at plate spinning lol), but they’re fun.

Main thing is I need to get my arm strength back up because, damn, I forgot how much effort juggling takes.

Aside

TIL my city has a curfew for under-18s. Did not know this growing up, could not tell based on the teenagers in the neighbourhood, would not have known at all if I hadn’t gone to look up something else and accidentally stumbled on it.

I’d be more annoyed (curfews are largely useless at preventing youth crime and contribute to racist policy enforcement), but I don’t think it’s actually enforced anyway. Which makes it stupid, but not actively irritating.

Today’s Very Stupid Annoyance

The fact that the stupid often think they’ve “won” arguments because the more intelligent person walks away when it becomes clear that they’re arguing with a moron.

For instance, there is no point in arguing with someone who claims you’re the intolerant one for not accepting their bigotry or absurd judgement of others. They clearly have not even heard of the paradox of intolerance and almost certainly have no interest in learning. They are simply an idiot and will remain so until circumstances force them to be otherwise.

Walking away at that point, however, leads the idiot to believe they’ve won with their absurd response. It’s the only sensible action, but it’s one that encourages the stupid to remain stupid. I almost wish there were some sort of response that equates to “Your response was not a “gotcha”, you have simply demonstrated that you are too dumb to continue speaking to.”

Unfortunately, saying that directly would only further the argument and be a monumentally stupid thing to do. So the idiocy continues unabated.