Yup. I’m hella ADHD

Finally sent in my ADHD documentation to start medication. It was a whole thing because I kept forgetting because–oh right–I have ADHD so I ended up having to call and get the portal opened again and it was honestly obnoxious but it eventually got done.

Got a message back within 24 hours. Immediately assumed “oh no, I did something wrong”. Decided to look at it before diving into my morning routine because otherwise it was going to bother me all morning.

The message is basically “Yeah, you’re definitely ADHD, we’re just gonna skip the normal secondary evaluation and send you right in” XD

Given that I had a five standard deviation discrepancy between my VCI and WMI scores on the WAIS-IV, plus a TOVA ACS below -10, yeah, a second (third, really) evaluation would probably be a waste of time.

Would’ve been interested in taking the Stanford-Binet, though. It accounts for scatter better than the WAIS, which in my case is obviously necessary.

Today’s Petty Annoyance

Pretty much all studies on what brings happiness point to living in harmony with one’s core values. Being bored and distractible today, I went to basically every “how do you know what your core values are” site on the internet. Mostly because, if pressed to define my core values, I’d shrug and say something like “I dunno, don’t be an asshole and keep trying things?”

While I don’t necessarily disagree with the results, I do find the exercise a bit…frustrating. Because the reality is that any value can be defined in hundreds of different ways, so to say that I value “freedom” (one of my results) isn’t all that different from saying I value “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.

I value autonomy, yes. I generally dislike being told what to do. Most people do, IME. However, I also recognise that sometimes limiting freedom is necessary for a functional society. Just because I want to punch that bigot with the sign in the face doesn’t mean I think I should be allowed to.

There are many, many people who would list “freedom” as their core value while wildly disagreeing with the above condition. Our values are largely in opposition to each other, but the same word is used to describe both mindsets.

The same is true of many (if not all) of the possible values a person could have. Another of mine was “tolerance”. Anyone who has ever studied basic political philosophy is aware of “the paradox of intolerance”. A tolerant society requires being intolerant of the intolerant, something the intolerant insist on pointing out as though they’ve somehow made a groundbreaking discovery.

Yet there are many people who value tolerance up to and including tolerance for the extremely, even violently, bigoted. In some cases I’m even one of them. I don’t believe, for instance, in murdering people for making racist statements, as some of the more extreme members of the far left do. Regardless, we all consider ourselves “tolerant”, but with often opposing definitions of what the word means.

Yes, it is good for emotional and psychological well-being to live in accordance with one’s values. There’s fairly clear scientific evidence of that. However, I don’t think trying to define those values in concrete terms is really all that effective or helpful. At best, you end up with an amorphous pile of words that has to be further refined and qualified into something that’s unlikely to actually cover the majority of circumstances in which they might be tested.

General self-awareness seems more helpful. Taking stock of that internal sense of what feels “right” vs “wrong”. Paying attention to actions that result in pride vs shame. It’s not perfect, those things are always influenced by society, but neither is the “stack of ill-defined words” method.

Or, y’know, maybe I’m just too neurodivergent for this exercise.

Edit: Actually, while we’re at it, there’s a very real social problem with conflating “values” and “morals”. Things like “tolerance” or “integrity” or “respect” shouldn’t even be part of the equation because those are ethics required for a functioning society. An individual does not get to decide they don’t “value” something like basic human dignity. Rather, they can, but it then makes them an asshole. It is contrary to the needs of the community. Yet every single exercise in “defining your values” includes large lists of morals and ethics.

I can appreciate the desire to centre one’s life around beauty, achievement, and wealth. But if that person then, say, enslaves people to prop up their wealth because they decided wealth was more important than compassion, they are a bad person. I don’t care how happy they are. They’re a dick.

Health insurance is such a scam

K needs high flow oxygen via non-rebreather mask for his cluster headaches. This is the gold standard of treatment, it is incredibly low-risk, effective in 70-80% of patients, and accepted as the first-line option by every major medical organisation related to neurology and headache. It is as basic and necessary as insulin for diabetics or inhalers for asthmatics.

Kaiser won’t cover it. Because our insurance does not have a durable medical equipment supplement. Because we cannot get a durable medical equipment supplement. We have the highest tier plan, pay $1400 a month each for this insurance, but the durable medical equipment supplement is only offered on group plans. If you are a freelancer, a sole proprietor, or in any other way not employed by a business with at least 5 employees on the same insurance plan, you cannot pay for durable medical equipment coverage.

It’s worth noting that he had durable medical equipment coverage with his last employer–when he was on a lower tier plan. We are paying more for less coverage. Simply because he is self-employed.

So we are now looking at dropping to a lower tier plan next year in order to offset the costs of having to pay for his medically necessary oxygen and therapy entirely out of pocket. Because we literally have no option to pay for the supplemental benefit that would cover it.

It’s amazing what you’ll pick up when you’re bored and avoiding a necessary task

I have blocked all social media until 7PM. I can’t write much because my right hand is strained (likely from too much tappy-gaming). I’ve separated out my fiction and non-fiction onto separate e-readers and locked away the fiction until after my tasks are done. Yes, I theoretically could read any of my many physical books or magazines, but that requires thought and decision-making and I seem to just not being interested in putting that kind of effort into my procrastination-entertainment.

I tried reading a couple of non-fiction books. They’re not interesting enough to read for more than a chapter at a time. My mind starts wandering, which means my eyes start wandering, and next thing you know I’ve rediscovered the juggling balls that have been sitting untouched on my bookshelves for a couple of years.

I was a moderately skilled juggler 20 or so years ago, when I was first attempting undergrad (spoiler: it was wildly unsuccessful). I haven’t, however, picked up a set of juggling balls since the mid-noughties and so wasn’t expecting much.

My expectations were met XD

That’s not to say I’ve lost all ability. I can manage at least one cycle without completely losing control of the balls. More than that is…questionable lmao.

It was ten minutes of intense fun though, and has reminded me that I really like juggling and circus arts in general. Need to look into some way of doing tightwire or slacklining too, maybe some plate spinning or diabolo. I was never especially good at any of them (and really bad at plate spinning lol), but they’re fun.

Main thing is I need to get my arm strength back up because, damn, I forgot how much effort juggling takes.